It’s important to know that violence can happen in any relationship — and that includes LGBTQIA+ relationships too. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always get talked about enough.

Most of the time, support services, programs, and policies focus on violence in heterosexual relationships, leaving LGBTQIA+ experiences overlooked. This can mean that even within the queer community, people aren’t always aware of how relationship violence can show up.

So, why doesn’t this get discussed more? Experts say it’s partly because we often view abuse through a lens focused on traditional gender roles. But those ideas don’t always fit LGBTQIA+ relationships. If something feels off in your relationship — if you’re noticing patterns of control, fear, or manipulation — it’s important to know that it’s not okay. You can check out our article on relationship violence for signs to watch out for, or reach out for support through 1800RESPECT.

What Relationship Violence Can Look Like in LGBTQIA+ Relationships

Violence in queer relationships can take on different forms, sometimes shaped by things like heterosexism (the idea that straight relationships are “normal”) or homo/bi/transphobia (prejudice against LGBTQIA+ people). Here are some ways it can happen:

• Threatening to “out” someone: Using someone’s sexuality or gender identity against them, like threatening to reveal it to their family, friends, or even on social media. This can include things like disclosing someone’s HIV status without their consent.
• Isolating someone through their identity: Trying to control or cut off a partner from their support network by using their identity against them, especially if they’re not out yet.
• Denying that it’s abuse: The abuser might claim that violence doesn’t “count” in a queer relationship because it’s not between a man and a woman.
• Discouraging getting help: Convincing someone that support services won’t understand them or will discriminate against them because they’re LGBTQIA+.
• Fear of being judged or excluded: Feeling pressured to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of worries about being isolated from the queer community or facing homophobia if they leave.

Read more about domestic violence in queer relationships here. 

Getting Help

One big reason people don’t speak up about violence in LGBTQIA+ relationships is the fear of being judged or not taken seriously. This can include worries about people not understanding what it’s like to be queer or using the wrong words, or that support services won’t have the right resources to help. Some good resources to know:

• Rainbow Door – connects LGBTQIA+ communities with services
• QLife – support/referral service
• WithRespect – support/referral service
• Safe Steps – 24/7 Family Crisis Centre