Abuse is serious and can be very scary. Our article on abuse may help you understand it better. 

If you think a friend is being abused, it is important that you are there for them at this time but also,  make time to take care of yourself. Here are some steps you can take to be there for your friend. 

Try and start a conversation

Find a time safe and confidential to talk to your friend. You can express concern by saying things like: 

• “I am worried about your safety” 
• “I have noticed that you have been down recently”. 

Abusive situations can be very complex and confusing. An abuser will often make their victim doubt their recollection of events or their ability to leave. Allow your friend to speak and reassure them that you believe what they say. 

Keep in mind that your friend may not be ready to talk about what they are going through. They might feel ashamed or afraid of the consequences of talking openly. Assure them that you will be there for them when they are ready to share. When they do share their experiences with you, assure them that what they are saying is true and that their memory is correct.

Listen without judgement 

It is important to recognise the bravery of your friend speaking to you. Create an empathetic space where your friend feels comfortable to be honest. Try not to insist that your friend leave the situation or criticise how long they have been experiencing abuse, as this may hurt your friend and make them shy away from talking with you. Reassure them that it is not their fault and that their actions have not caused the abuse. 

Focus on how your friend has been coping by asking:  

• “How have you been managing?”
• “How has their behaviour been affecting you?” 

Assure them of their strength and skills. Emphasise that they deserve to live without abuse. 

Allow them to make their own decisions

Abuse can really impact someone’s self-worth and decision-making. They may have been conditioned to believe that the abuse is their fault or that it is impossible to stop. Supporting your friend to make their own decisions is an important step in ending the abuse.

It can be really difficult to hear about the abuse suffered by someone that you love. It may be your instinct to insist that they leave immediately. However, ending an abusive situation can be very difficult. It may take time for your friend to be ready. Equally, it is important to have a plan in place so that when they do leave they can do so safely. 

It is important not to give up on your friend during this time. They may take time to leave the situation or return to the relationship after they have left. This can be disheartening and hurtful. However, your consistency as a reliable person outside of the abusive situation can be a beacon of hope.

Help them make a safety plan 

Talk to trusted adults about what your friend has told you and encourage them to do the same. This may be a teacher, school counsellor, parent, or doctor. With the assistance of others, you can help your friend make a safety plan. 

A safety plan is designed to help you leave an abusive situation as safely as possible. Your plan will depend on your specific circumstances, but key steps include:

• Contacting support services – Organisations like Kids Helpline and 1800RESPECT can help you create a personalised safety plan.
• Reporting abuse – Report each instance of abuse to the police.
• Keeping a phone accessible – Always have a charged phone with you to call 000 in an emergency.
• Preparing an emergency bag – Pack essentials like important documents, clothing, medication, and cash so you can leave quickly if needed.
• Identifying a safe contact – Have a trusted friend or family member who can provide shelter or support.
  • Consider setting up a safe word to alert them discreetly if you’re in danger.
• Documenting abuse – Keep records of all interactions with the abuser, including:
  • Screenshots of abusive texts, emails, and social media messages.
  • Voicemails or call logs.
  • A diary detailing incidents of abuse.
  • Photos of any physical injuries.
  • Reports to the police.
• Practising online and tech safety – Secure your devices and social media accounts to prevent monitoring or tracking.
• Downloading the Daisy app – This app provides information on local support services.

How to take care of yourself 

Being there for someone who is being abused is a really tough thing to go through. It is important to take care of yourself through this time. 

Reach out and talk to trusted people in your life such as a parent, family member, teacher, or counsellor about what you are going through. Calling support services such as Kids Helpline is another great way to get support.