Just like everything else! Touching, kissing, stroking…and all that fun stuff. You might have heard that sex is only considered sex when a penis penetrates a vagina. But actually, sex can mean lots of different things!
As always with sex, consent is super important. You and your partner should be comfortable with one another, and feel able to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to any part of the sex act. Checking in at various stages can help make sure you’re both on the same page. You could say something like: “Can I kiss you?”, “Is this okay?”, or “Are you enjoying this?”
Consent is an important part of a respectful relationship, you can read more about that here.
So what is sex?
Sex can mean lots of different things to different people with different preferences.
Here’s how to tell if you’re having sex:
- Are you naked or partially naked?
2. Are you with another person?
3. Are you pleasuring someone else with your mouth, hands or other body part?
4. Is it possible that someone could have an orgasm in this situation?
If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you are most likely having sex!
Remember: there doesn’t need to be an orgasm for it to be sex. It’s about the journey, not the destination!
What is lesbian sex?
There are common misconceptions about lesbian sex that stem from homophobia. In the media, it is often hypersexualised or positioned as something for straight men to consume. But lesbian sex is so much more than that, it is a diverse practice enjoyed by consenting individuals!
Common activities include:
- Oral sex
- Penetration or stimulation with fingers or sex toys
- Tribbing – the rubbing of the genitals together (some positions of this practice are known as scissoring)
- Mutual masturbation (meaning self-pleasure at the same time)
Sex means all types of things, just because these are common does not mean you have to be doing them to be having lesbian sex. To learn more about lesbianism, check out our article!
A common myth is that people who have lesbian sex can’t get STIs: this is not true. It is still possible to contract sexually transmitted infections from lesbian sex so it is important to use barrier contraception and get regular check-ups from a Sexual Health Clinic if you are sexually active.
What is gay sex?
Because of homophobia gay men are often hypersexualised by the media and general society. But just like lesbian sex, gay sex is enjoyed in many different ways by consenting individuals!
Common activities of gay sex include:
Many gay people do not engage in anal sex and some do! Sex is all about what feels good to you.
Just as with any type of sex, the possibility of contracting an STI is possible. If engaging in gay sex, make sure you use barrier contraception and get regular checkups from a Sexual Health Clinic.
Do you need to be gay or a lesbian to have queer sex?
Queer is an umbrella term for lots of different and diverse identities! There are lots of people who have queer sex — including those who identify as bisexual, pansexual, non-binary, gender diverse, and trans — the list goes on. Despite a lot of people who have queer sex having the same body parts, queer sex is not defined by genitals. Gender and sexual orientation are broad, and the definition of each really depends on the individual.
Having Sex as or with a Trans Person
Having sex with or as a trans person is just like just like sex with anyone else: communication is key! Talk to your partner before and during sex about what works for them and for you.
Boundaries
It is important to set boundaries about what you and your partner want. For example:
- How do you or your partner like to be referred to during sex?
- Are terms like ‘baby’ comforting and sexy, or do they not feel right?
- Where on your or your partner’s body makes them feel good?
- Trans bodies are beautiful and diverse, each individual has things that work best for them. Open communication about no-go zones and pleasure spots is important to make sure everybody involved is having a positive and safe experience.
- What sex acts or positions suit you and your partner’s body?
- Everybody is different, some things will work for some people and not others. Communicate about what you and your partner will do before you have sex to make sure that you’re both on the same page.
Consent
As with all sex, consent is super important (and sexy!). Communicating and respecting boundaries are important parts of consent.
Communicating during sex is very important. Someone might be comfortable with something before you start, and change their mind during. This is completely normal and ok. Asking questions like: “Is this still ok?” or “are you enjoying this” ensures that you are both enthusiastically enjoying what’s going on, because sex is supposed to be fun!
More information
For more information about safe queer sex visit:
- This comprehensive guide to safe sex as or with a trans person, you can read this document by the Human Rights Campaign.
- The Rainbow Network has heaps of resources and guides to learn more about safe queer sex.
If you need support, you can reach out to all of these amazing organisations!
- QLife provides anonymous and free LGBTQIA+ peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings, or relationships
- Switchboard provides information, support, and referral services for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and intersex people of Victoria and Tasmania.
- Kids Helpline is a free, private, and confidential phone and online counselling service specifically for young people in Australia.
- Eheadspace offers free online and telephone support and counselling to young people 12 – 25 and their families and friends.
- Minus18 provides resources and insightful information on gender and sexuality to help you navigate your experience. It also runs really fun events like Queer formal where you can meet other young queer people!
- Black Rainbow is a national volunteer Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander LGBTQIA+SB social enterprise in the pursuit of positive health and wellbeing for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Asexual, Sistergirl and Brotherboys (LGBTQIA+SB).
