When you think about ‘boundaries’, you might think about a fence dividing two houses, or the edges of a shape. In the context of relationships, boundaries are kind of the same thing! Boundaries help define your limits, and what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with. By drawing clear boundaries and communicating them to the people in our lives, whether it be friends, family, or lovers, we can look after our mental health and can actually improve those relationships. 

Being assertive about our boundaries is really important, as it can decrease our stress, anxiety, and depression levels. If we don’t tell our loved ones what we like and don’t like, they simply won’t know! It might feel confronting to talk about your boundaries, but once you do you are likely to feel much better. And most of the time, the other person will actually be grateful that you’ve brought it up.

For example, if you’re feeling frustrated about the fact that your friend is always super late because it messes up with your own schedule, you can set a boundary about being on time when you hang out. A good friend would realise that this isn’t okay and make sure it doesn’t keep happening, right? 

As embodiment practitioner and writer Prentis Hemphill explains: 

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” 

Healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries 

Boundaries are generally great, but sometimes they can be… not so great. It’s important to recognise the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries — healthy boundaries will help people protect and respect you, while unhealthy boundaries are about control and harm. 

If someone makes a ‘boundary’ that feels controlling, like “You’re not allowed to hang out with anyone else besides me, because you might cheat on me with them”, this is NOT a healthy boundary but a warning sign that you might be in an abusive relationship. 

Types of boundaries 

Boundaries look different for everybody, and they can change over time. You could have boundaries about physical contact, verbal interactions, or personal space. They can also exist in a variety of situations, such as work, home, when visiting family, and when you’re hanging out with friends. 

As PsychCentral explains, boundaries typically fall into a few specific categories: 

• emotional (protecting our own emotional well-being)
• physical (protecting our physical space)
• sexual (protecting our needs and safety sexually)
• school/workplace (protecting our ability to learn/work without interference or drama)
• material (protecting our personal belongings)
• time (protecting the use, and misuse, of our time)

If you think about it, any time you’re around others you’ll probably have some sort of boundaries around how they interact with you. When we communicate those boundaries, it’s more likely that they won’t be violated. So how can we set our boundaries? 

How to set boundaries 

To set boundaries, first, you need to know what they are! Think about what makes you feel good, and what behaviours in others bother you. Reflect on your values and beliefs, how you like to spend your time, and what makes you feel fulfilled. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation it may be because someone has crossed a line. Letting them know that they have made you feel this way, and defining what would make you feel better is setting a boundary. 

Some examples of boundaries are: 

• Needing privacy:
  •  “Please knock before entering my room” 
  • “I am not comfortable discussing this topic with you, could we please discuss something else”
• Needing space: 
  • “I need time to process these emotions, could I please be alone”
  • “I need some time to recharge after this afternoon, I am going to go home instead of going to dinner with our friends” 

It can be tricky setting boundaries, especially when it comes to having those difficult conversations with loved ones. But remember that effective communication is the key to a healthy relationship, and having boundaries will allow you to respect one another more. 

Here are some tips on setting boundaries:

• Consider timing – find a quiet time when you will both feel relaxed and are able to focus on the conversation. 
• Be prepared – It can be a good idea to write down what you want to talk about, so you don’t forget anything and can be super clear about your needs
• Consider the delivery – try to use ‘I’ statements so the focus is on how you feel, rather than ‘you’ statements as this can feel accusatory. 
  • Such as “I need some time alone to think about this alone” rather than “you need to leave” 
• Be clear – being vague isn’t helpful, as the other person might not know exactly what they need to do to respect your boundaries. For example, instead of saying “I’d like more personal space”, you could say “I feel disrespected and uncomfortable when you come into my room unannounced. Please knock before entering” 
• Address feedback – depending on the boundary, the other person might have some questions for you. Be open to further conversation, but remember that if you’re setting a healthy boundary you don’t need to justify your needs or explain yourself.

For more check out HelpGuide.org and watch this great video below, where clinical psychologist and educator Dr. Han Ren talks about how to set healthy boundaries.

Where to get help 

If this experience has brought up some difficult things and you need to reach out for support: 

• See your school counsellor or talk about it with a trusted adult
• If you need immediate support you can contact Kids Helpline, and Lifeline, they offer online and phone counselling that’s entirely free and confidential.