If you’ve figured out that you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community, maybe you’re thinking about coming out to your family, friends, and broader community. Or maybe you’re not quite ready yet — that’s totally okay too!  

So what exactly does it mean to ‘come out’? Well, coming out is when a person works through and accepts their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, then chooses to share that identity openly with others. 

All LGBTQIA+ folk have their own journey with coming out and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Some people only tell their close family and friends and some people are very public about it. Some queer people don’t come out at all as it’s not safe for them to do so or they simply feel like it’s no one’s business. Remember that all these decisions are valid!

Also, labels are not necessarily forever and you only need to use them if they help you. You can think of a label as a magnet, always there when you want it but easily removable if it doesn’t fit anymore. This means that coming out isn’t a permanent thing – some people come out as two or three identities in the course of their lifetime and others never come out at all. All of these experiences are just as queer as each other. 

So, why come out at all? 

Coming out is a complex process, and it may not be easy. Even if the people in your life are accepting and supportive, it can feel like a lot of pressure. 

There is a lot of emphasis on coming out in popular culture. It is painted as the important moment of a young queer person’s life – but it doesn’t have to be all that big of a deal if you don’t want it to be!

Coming out can have its benefits though 

• Maybe you can find a community with other queer people at your school or in your life 
• It can mean taking control of your own narrative – stating who you are in your own words 
• It can make you feel closer to people by having an open conversation about what sexuality and/or gender means to you and to them! 
• It can help your parents or family understand you better. It might even inspire them to do some of their own research so understand what diverse sexuality and gender means. 

This video is of LGBTQIA+ people discussing what it was like coming out with their families, showing the nuance and benefits of some tough conversations. 

Is now the right time? 

Sometimes it’s not safe for people to come out due to possible repercussions if they do so, such as discrimination and even violence. 

It’s perfectly okay if you’re not ready to come out and need to stay in the ‘closet’, as everyone has their own journey accepting that they are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Coming out is a big deal for a lot of people, and taking your time is totally normal! 

Teenage and young adulthood can be a confusing time, sometimes experimenting with what works before you decide to label yourself can be helpful.

Keep in mind that some people don’t feel the need to ‘come out’ in an official way at all, and that’s also perfectly valid. Sometimes it can be easier to come out when you have a partner or to wait until you don’t live at home anymore. 

It is important to remember that being in the closet doesn’t mean that you are lying or keeping a secret. It is about when you are ready or if you want to. 

What is ‘welcoming in’? 

Welcoming in is when a person shares their gender identity and/or sexual orientation with a select few people instead of coming out to everyone. You might welcome in your best friend, a trusted parent or relative, or basically anyone in your close circle rather than sharing your identity publicly or with everyone. 

Many people start with welcoming in before choosing to come out, so they can dip their toes in the water and test how it feels. If you don’t feel comfortable coming out but want to try sharing your gender and/or sexuality with others, why not welcome in a few people first? 

Here is a video guide on how to come out to your friends!

Tips for coming out

Coming out can be a joyous and affirming thing to do, but it can also come with its challenges. If you feel like you’re ready to come out, here are some tips that might help:

Drop hints

If you’re not sure whether a close friend, relative, or other important person in your life will be supportive of you coming out, it can be a good idea to drop some hints first. You could mention some LGBTQIA+ movies and TV shows or bring up queer topics in conversation to see what their opinion might be of LGBTQIA+ folk. This way you can test whether it’s safe to come out to them first. 

Write it out

If you feel like writing is easier for you than speaking, drafting a text or writing out a letter can be a good way to come out. Sometimes telling people face to face is super intimidating. Writing offers a ‘step back’ approach where you don’t have to feel as scared as you might telling someone face-to-face. 

Tell them in person

In contrast, for some people speaking comes most naturally. If you’re ready to come out and want to tell the important people in your life, you could organise a walk or a time when you can be alone to have the conversation.  

Trust your gut

If you think that telling someone could potentially go wrong or you believe they could hurt you, simply don’t tell them. You are allowed to pick and choose who you tell — don’t feel like you have to tell everyone. It’s your decision. 

It doesn’t have to be perfect

It is a big conversation, you may be anxious or not say everything you planned. This is ok. Just because there is a big emphasis on it in the media and society doesn’t mean it has to be a perfect conversation. 

Give it some time

People might not be 100% on board right away. This can be really difficult but it is important to remember that you have been thinking about this for a long time and this is the first they are hearing about it. If it takes them a little bit of time to come to terms with everything, it doesn’t mean they won’t support you in the end. 

Have some resources available

Sometimes family members can be really confused and have a lot of questions for you. If you are comfortable answering them – great! But sometimes it can feel invasive and hurtful. If you a loaded up with some helpful resources this may help answer their questions and lessen the burden on you to educate them. 

• Raising Rainbows: Parenting Books for LGBTQ+ Parents, Children, and Allies – a list of LGBTQIA+ parenting books 
• Lead with Love documentary – a short documentary that guides parents through a journey of acceptance 
• An article for parents on how to react when their child comes out 
• An article on How To Support Transgender Youth in Your Life

Seek advice

The Trevor Project has a great handbook on all things coming out. Why not look into some guides and tips to think about how you want to come out and if it’s the right time for it. 

Have a support system

Coming out can be scary, so it’s a good idea to have a strong support system throughout the process. This could include your close friends, parents/guardians, a school counsellor or a therapist. Having trusted people you can talk to about your experiences is really important. Remember that you’re not alone!

Have a backup plan

Sadly, sometimes things don’t go as planned. In case people respond negatively, it’s a good idea to have some alternative places and/or people you can go to. Some examples include getting out of the house for a walk, or asking a friend in advance if you can stay with them if there’s tension at home. You can also access peer support services such as QLife, Switchboard and Queerspace.

What if things don’t go as planned?

If you decide to come out and things don’t go as planned, help is available. It’s important to remember that these things happen and you’re not alone. Make sure you talk to someone about what happened and follow any backup plans you might’ve made. 

Talk to your trusted friends, siblings or family members. Remember to practise self-care, whether that be taking a bath or watching your favourite show on Netflix. You can also access a range of support services — they’re free, anonymous and readily available. Reachout has a guide to LGBTQIA+ support services in each state. 

Coming out is an incredibly brave thing to do and if you have already come out or are planning to do so, you should be extremely proud of yourself! 

But remember if you aren’t ready to come out, that’s totally okay! Don’t ever put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Coming out is all about meeting your personal needs and following your timeline. Never rush into anything that you don’t want to do.