How can I support a friend with coming out?
Coming out often comes with a rollercoaster of emotions — someone who has just come out or is thinking about coming out might feel nervous, happy, anxious, relieved, or none or all of these things. Coming out can be really, really hard, especially when the person’s family, friends, school, and/or broader community are unaccepting of or hesitant towards LGBTQIA+ folk.
It can be tough out there, so as a friend it’s super important to support the person in your life who is coming out in the best way you can.
How to respond when a friend comes out to you
When a friend comes out to you, you can start by validating and thanking them for entrusting you with this information. Positive, affirming statements you can respond with include “Thank you for trusting me with this”, “Let’s celebrate!” and “Is there anything I can change to better support you?” Let your friend know that you are there for them all the way and value them for who they are.
While saying things like “I already knew” or “I love you no matter what!” might seem like a good idea at the time, these sort of statements dismiss your friend’s agency in determining their own gender identity and sexuality, as well as the importance this has to their sense of self. Being a good friend and ally to an LGBTQIA+ person means seeing, believing, and fully accepting them as their authentic self.
Check out this reel to learn more about what to say and not to say in this scenario:
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Tips for supporting your friend
Self-educate
Not sure what it really means to be non-binary, transgender, gay, lesbian, asexual or many of the other diverse gender identities and sexualities? If your friend has just come out to you but you aren’t sure what their identity is all about, the first step to take in supporting them is reading up and educating yourself. We recommend checking out some of our other articles on gender identity and sexuality, as well as heading over to Minus 18 for plenty of great resources.
Be there for them
Coming out can be a daunting and stressful process. It is important to be there for them at this moment and assure them that you are going to help them through telling other people (if this is what they want). Offer them a hug or do your favourite activity together. This will validate their emotional vulnerability and remind them that your friendship will remain strong.
Respect them and their needs
When your friend has come out or is thinking about doing so, it’s important to respect their identity. If they have changed their pronouns, use those pronouns correctly. If they have come out to close friends and family, but haven’t done so publicly, respect their needs and privacy during this process — nobody wants to be outed by their bestie. If you’re not sure what your friend needs and how you can best support them, remember that you can just ask!
Allow them to operate on their own terms
Coming out is different for everyone. It’s a unique and individual journey, and as a friend it’s important not to put pressure on your friend or try to influence their behaviour. For instance, if your best friend comes out as a lesbian, there is no need to pressure them into going to certain events or trying to set them up with people you know based on their sexuality. Your friend needs to do what they feel comfortable with, at a pace that fulfils their needs. As a friend, you can best provide support by listening to and being guided by them!
Check out this video for some more helpful tips:
If your friend coming out brings up some difficult thoughts or questions for you – that is totally ok! When your friend is in an ok headspace you can talk to them about how you feel. There is always your school counsellor or other support services like headspace and Kids helpline that can help you as well.
