All relationships, romantic and platonic should be beneficial to your self-esteem and mental health. When this isn’t the case, you are entitled to end this relationship. The tricky part is how to do it. 

Much like a romantic relationship, it is important to evaluate what your friendships are offering you. 

Ask yourself

• Are you happy around them? 
• Do you feel good about yourself and your life when with them? 
• Are they supportive of you? 

If the answer is no, you may be in a toxic friendship. 

Ok, but how do I end it?

Step 1: In person (if possible) 

If it is safe to do so, it is a good idea to meet up with this friend in person and tell them how you are feeling. It is important for you to be heard and for them to understand the consequences of their behaviour. 

Try to avoid these conversations being via message or online, it is easier for things to escalate or for things to be misunderstood when it isn’t in person. It is also best to do it one-on-one. If you are going to have a conversation about the future of your friendship, it is better that they don’t feel as if they have been ganged up on. 

Step 2: Keeping things calm  

The last thing you want is for this person to feel attacked – this could escalate the situation. 

A calm conversation is the best way to air out the tensions that might be present in your relationship. This will also allow your friend to talk to you about why the friendship has not been working for them. They might be going through things at home or in themselves that they would like a chance to talk about. 

Step 3: “I” statements  

Try using statements that highlight your feelings in the situation such as “I” statements such as: 

• “I feel sad when it seems my feelings aren’t considered” 
• “I feel invisible when our plans are cancelled last minute”. 

This helps not place blame on anyone and simply highlights how you are feeling. This will make the conversation not feel like an attack on your friend but rather an opportunity for you to be understood. 

Eeek .. these steps aren’t going to work for me 

If this strategy does not work or you don’t feel comfortable having this open conversation with them, try and distance yourself from this friend. 

This type of “soft break up” is a way to ease out of a relationship. You can try and say you are too busy to hang out or invite other people to hang out so it isn’t one-on-one. This may send them the message that you would like this friendship to not be as close. 

This can also be done online. Taking longer to reply to messages or not pushing the conversation forward when texting can send them the message that you’re not interested in the friendship anymore. 

This is not the same as ghosting them, but instead letting the relationship drift. Friends change and shift naturally throughout life so this is not out of the ordinary. This article has some advice from psychologists as to how best to decide if the friendship breakup requires a conversational or drift style of ending. 

Important: taking care of yourself!

It is important to take care of yourself during this time and after the breakup. It can be emotionally intense being that vulnerable and honest with this person, and if the friendship has been rocky for a while, it can feel exhausting. 

Take some time to reconnect with yourself, like journaling or doing a hobby that you like. It is also a good time to connect with the other friends around you, making sure you are supported in this tough time. 

Remember: you aren’t the villain for valuing your self-worth!

If you are struggling, or these strategies aren’t working talk about it with someone you trust, like another friend, a parent, a teacher or your school counsellor. You can call Kids Helpline or talk to a counsellor through eheadspace‘s online counselling service. They might be able to give you some strategies to deal with the situation.