It can be really hard to talk about sex with someone, especially if it is your first sexual experience or they are a new partner. But communication keeps your relationship healthy and lets each other know that everybody is having a good time. Find out more about consent here.
Here are some phrases you can use to ask for consent:
Are you enjoying this?
Do you want to keep going?
Do you want to have sex?
Do you want to stop?
Sometimes people will use body language or facial expressions to communicate. If your partner seems tense, is pushing you away, is making a strange face or not responding then stop and ask them if they are ok, and if they want to keep going.
If you don’t want to have sex, or want to stop, that’s fine. You have the right to say no or stop at any time and your partner should respect that.
Here are some ways you can say no:
Can we slow down?
I’d like to kiss you but that’s it.
I don’t feel like it.
I really like you but I’m not ready for sex.
Can we stay like this for a while?
No, I don’t want to.
Remember you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you don’t want to do something, saying no should be enough.
If things are moving too fast and your partner won’t stop, do whatever you can to get out of the situation:
Yell “STOP! I don’t want to do this.”
Say you need to go to the toilet.
Tell them you are about to vomit. (Put your hand over your mouth and pretend you are going to be sick)
Tell them you have your period and get up and leave.
Once you have left, call someone you trust to come and pick you up.
If you tell your partner to stop and they don’t it is sexual assault. Read our post on Sexual Assault for more info. If you or someone you know has been raped or sexually assaulted you can call 1800 RESPECT for support.
If you and your partner are getting busy, are both enjoying it and want to keep going here are some ways you can give consent:
That feels good.
Let’s have sex!
But remember, when saying yes, to use protection to avoid Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy, such as condoms. You can ask your partner about this by saying:
Do you have a condom?
I have a condom.
Do you have any STIs?
I won’t have sex without a condom.
If you have an STI, let you partner know and either agree not to have sex, or to use a condom.
For more tips on talking about sex check out Love: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Talking with your partner about sex is the best way to make sure everyone is having a good time. Being honest with each other can take some pressure off, making you both feel safe and free to enjoy getting to know each other better!