What is sexual coercion?
Sexual coercion is being pressured, tricked, threatened or manipulated to take part in any kind of sexual activity you don’t want to take part in.
When you are being coerced into sex, you may feel as though you ‘owe’ someone sex. There might also be a power balance at play, such as if the person is your teacher, doctor, boss or manager.
Is sexual coercion a form of sexual assault?
In some cases, yes. There doesn’t need to be violence, a struggle or physically abusive behaviour for sex to be coercive. When there is no violence involved, it’s very common not to immediately recognise sexual assault has occurred.
Sometimes, sexual coercion can be hard to spot. This is because the idea of women having sex even when they don’t feel like it, just to please their partner, is so normalised. On top of that, social attitudes often place a man’s experience of pleasure above that of a woman (you can find information on the orgasm gap here).
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What does sexual coercion look or sound like?
Sexual coercion occurs when your partner uses threats or blackmail to get you to agree to sex, such as “I’ll break up with you if you don’t have sex with me” or “It will make me sad/angry if you don’t have sex with me”.
Coercion can also look like trying to convince you by pleading (repeatedly saying “please”) or continuing to ask you if you’ve already said “no”.
Common reasons you might feel pressured into sex:
- You might feel like you have to go along with what the other person wants
- There might be a power imbalance between you and your partner
- You might be afraid of your partner, or afraid of letting them down
Some people might not realise they are coercing you into having sex, but they might feel entitled to sex (which is not okay!). This is common among young men, which is why education is so important!
Some examples of phrases that may seem harmless but are actually coercive include:
- “But you had sex with me last night”
- “Do you think I’m ugly/not attractive?”
- “If you really loved me, you would have sex with me”
- “You’re such a tease”
What is consent?
Consent is when you mutually, and freely, agree to participate in sexual activity.
It means saying an enthusiastic yes to sex (which includes anything from kissing to penetrative intercourse) without any pressure from others. Consent means everyone involved wants to be there, wants to take part, and cares about the safety and experience of others.
Consent is a spectrum
On one end, there’s a hard no, and on the other is an enthusiastic yes (consent). This is a lot of grey area in between, which can sometimes make it tricky to know if you have experienced sexual assault.
For example, you can say yes to sex without actually wanting to have sex, because you were convinced by someone else to say yes. This is different to saying yes freely because you really do want to have sex.
How does drug and alcohol impact consent?
According to Teach Us Consent, sexual coercion can also happen using drugs and alcohol. Drugs and alcohol can lower our inhibitions and cloud our judgement, making it more difficult to make decisions. Sexual coercion occurs where someone takes advantage of someone else’s drunken state, or purposefully gives them alcohol to make it easier to get them to say yes.
You can find more info on sexual coercion here. We also recommend flicking through this post on coercive sex by Teach Us Consent:
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What prevents consent?
- Consent is about the present moment. It doesn’t matter if you are someone’s girlfriend, if you have told them you love them, or have consented to sex in past, everyone still needs to give consent before any sexual activity.
- If a person is drunk, high, or asleep, consent cannot be given. If you are unable to understand what you are consenting to, are physically incapable of giving consent or if you feel pressured into consenting.
- You are unable to give consent where there is an uneven power balance between you and the person you are sexually active with. For instance, if they’re your teacher, sports coach, psychologist or doctor.
- If you or your sexual partner is underage, you cannot give consent. Read more about consent here.
Where to get help
If you’ve experienced sexual coercion, you might feel shame, embarrassment or guilt. Remember that it’s not your fault.
Being pressured, threatened or forced to engage in sex with someone else is sexual assault. That’s illegal. Other forms of sexual coercion are not technically illegal, like when someone makes comments to guilt you into feeling like you need to have sex with them. But this still doesn’t make it okay.
If you feel like you are being pressured or emotionally manipulated into having sex:
- Make it clear that you are not interested and that it isn’t going to happen, or try to leave the situation
- If you are feeling unsafe or like the situation might escalate, call the police: 000
- Or if you are uncomfortable doing this, call someone you trust for help, like a friend or family member
- Report them to your school/sports club/place of work
- Call 1800 RESPECT for support and advice
